"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time -- the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes -- when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever -- there comes another day, and another specifically missing part."
— John Irving (A Prayer for Owen Meany)

Today is Nana Betty's 89th birthday. Today I missed...calling her to wish her a Happy Birthday...celebrating another July Club member...seeing the cards from all her friends...knockout roses in the center of the table...laughing over dinner...cheese and crackers (and the red drink!) on the back porch.

Happy Birthday, Precious Nana!

For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened–not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

2 Cor 5:4-5

Tonight this struck me as a beautiful promise...that God has prepared me not only to be clothed with righteousness and Life, but also to suffer through the transition. Its easy, and appropriate, to focus on the goal: when all that is mortal is swallowed by life (of the eternal type)...but I can't forget the groaning that has to happen before I get to that place. The beauty is God has prepared me for both, and sent the Spirit to guide me through the pain into the glory.

changes

It has been 6 weeks since I last posted, and its amazing what can change in so short a time. In the last 6 weeks I found out my grandmother had a brain tumor, then lung cancer, then stage 4, inoperable, terminal lung cancer. In 2 weeks she went from fine, to sick, then gone. We planned a memorial service, picked out a burial plot, and celebrated her life. I went back to work, wrapped up another catalog, put down a new kitchen floor, had my car repaired (twice), and then got burglarized and robbed. I had a fun lake weekend with Knoxville friends, a subdued lake weekend with family for the 4th, and a couple weekends in Nashville wondering why I live here. Oh yeah, and I had another birthday, entered the last year of my 20s, and began a quarter-life crisis (for the second time). Whew.

I wish I had some big, earth-shattering, life-changing revelation or proclamation to make as the result of this whirlwind, but I think I am still in the midst of the lesson...or maybe just at the beginning of it. I am anxious and excited to see what God is doing in my life, what all the change and restlessness is leading me to. Guess time will tell.

Meanwhile I will take the glimpses of God I have seen in the last 6 weeks and treasure them in my heart. I glimpsed God's mercy as he sweetly and peacefully took Nana home before she had to suffer. I was blessed with His Peace as my Mom and I read through Nana's Bible and planned her memorial, and were able to smile through the tears with the assurance that she was walking with the Lord. I experienced His strength as I sat through her service and reception with a smile and happy memories. I saw his care and love in my friends, who reached out to me during the time of grieving and the robbery. And I have seen that He who knows the hairs on our heads and the freckles on our faces, who knows the number of our days and comes gently to take us Home, and who leads us through suffering to draw us closer to Him; He is the One who has a plan, not me, and He will get me through whatever His plan may be.